You Have to Check Your What?

You know that episode of Arrested Development where the Bluth kids all start mocking their mom and the ever-charming little Buster says, "Yeah. Mom's awesome. Maybe we should call her!"

That's me with school right now.

I am freaking loving this class. It's called Advanced Negotiations and Conflict Resolution. The professor is hilarious and engaging, the subject is incredibly useful, and I love all the psychological tidbits I'm figuring out about myself and those around me. Far from being encouraged to "win at all costs", we're learning how best to approach problems, extract information from our counterparts, and use the whole shebang to create solutions that works best for all involved. It's very cooperative and positive and cool. All good things.

But why do I ultimately love it so?

Mock negotiations.

That's right. In each and every class, we are given a role in a case. We have specific information about our character's feelings, interests, and positions. We are expected to take this information, get together with our counterpart(s), and resolve whatever issue is at hand. Everyone looks forward to this part of class, because we get to hone our skills, etc., etc., etc.

Me? I like playing the part.

As the advertising editor of a newspaper, I was understanding about my editor's journalistic integrity. As a union representative, I wanted to help my management to cut costs without damaging the standard of living of my membership. As a VP at a technology company, I wanted to share information about potential new CFOs to find the best fit for the whole team. As the owner of a woodworking facility, I was more than willing to pay off my client's loan to ensure payment of a questionable invoice.

But is it too much?

Here's how the situation goes, each and every time.

Me: So wonderful to see you, [counterpart role]. I'm so sorry our last discussion didn't go well. I am truly embarrassed that I resorted to hurling expletives your way!

Counterpart: Um, so I have all the papers here, I just need to check my numbers before we get started...

Me: The paperwork from your accountant? I understand, I also met with mine before we get together. The numbers can get so confusing...

Counterpart: [Confused.] Wha? No, the stuff in the case...

Me: Your briefcase? Not a problem, [counterpart role]. So how's the wife?

Counterpart: [Uncomfortable.] Um...

Or something like this!

Me: Are you kidding me? We can't accept this deal, how are we supposed to sell this to the union?

Team member: Well, it's already 12:30, and I have stuff to do this afternoon...

Me: You'd put personal commitments ahead of our union? I can't listen to that -- we were elected to protect their best interests at all costs. If you have a dentist appointment or your kid has a piano recital or whatever...

Team member: [Confused.] Wha? No, I have class...

Me: Pilates? Don't even start with that yuppie stuff. We are not here to let management walk over us because we have pilates...

Team member: Huh? I just mean, we don't have to win all of them, we're out of time...

Me: Let's get back in there and fight for our people!

You get the picture.

I don't know why, but I find the whole thing freakin' endlessly hilarious. It's so embarrassing and totally idiotic, but it really makes me laugh. Me being one person. Because nobody else is.

It's no wonder the people with whom I study think I'm a complete losah.